I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
