Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
