You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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