Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
there's paper in my vomit.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
