We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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