I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
