it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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