He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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