I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
