yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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