from now on my penis is your penis
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
