the condom got lost in my hair
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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