i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
