I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
