Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
