Redeem this text for a blowjob
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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