We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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