I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
