guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
