yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
