Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
