im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
