im drinking this country out of the recession.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
