and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
