I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
