Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
