I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
