My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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