I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
