my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
