i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize