I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
