I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize