you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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