Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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