My liver just broke up with me...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
