Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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