The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
