sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
