I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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