Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
