dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
