im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
