It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
