I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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