hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
A bitchslap is in order.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
