Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
4 words: hood of his car
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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