i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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