I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
