So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
