Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
