Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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