So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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