Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
