my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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