I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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