Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
